A Modest Proposal

Here’s something I wrote over the weekend:

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(WARNING: the following might be disturbing to some people, but I trust that it is no more disturbing than Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, after which my work is patterned.)

A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Spread of COVID-19 to all Humans and Animals, and for Making the Virus Beneficial to the World

By Ms. Tiffany Chan

It is a sad sight that confronts those who enter a place that has been touch by COVID-19. The empty streets, and silent houses, and the occasional dead person on the sidewalk all point to the utter devastation this virus brings. In other places, people turn into animals as they fight for the little that remain in grocery stores; it is even said that people have begun killing each other for a single roll of toilet paper. When people go back home, they are far from happy, even if they managed to take what they want; they are stuck in their homes, faced with themselves for more time than they care for, and haunted by the fear of catching the virus. Many will surely succumb to depression or even suicide.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this COVID-19 virus is a terrible one which must be eradicated at all costs. For now, it has only been targeting humans, which is horrid enough, but it has been said that this virus mutates into stronger forms as time goes on; it is not out of possibility that animals and all creatures of the earth will be affected by this same virus sometime in the new future. This will surely lead to the destruction of the whole world. Therefore, whoever could find out an efficient and sure method of rooting out this virus deserves to be remembered for all of eternity as the preserver of the world.

But my intention is far from being confined to eliminating the virus only; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in all the problems of this present world. Indeed, my intention is to solve all the problems of the world with the simplest solution, as you will soon see.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many days upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found them grossly ignorant of the true nature of this virus, and of the importance of eradicating this virus as soon as possible, once for all, at all costs. It is true that the virus is deadly to humans, but it is also true that it presents a great risk for all creatures of the world. If left unchecked, this virus will be the destructor of the world as we know it. It is exactly because of the nature of the virus that I propose my solution, so that, instead of the virus wreaking havoc on the world, it will on the contrary contribute to the making of an almost perfect world.

There are many great advantages in my scheme, which I shall later touch on.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not suffer the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance on the Internet, that COVID-19 currently affects humans only, but that it will surely mutate, and soon affect every living thing on the face of the earth. He has also assured me that this shall rest heavy on our conscience indeed, if the entire world succumbs to this deadly virus because of our negligence in doing anything about it.

I do therefore humbly present my suggestion for public consideration, which is that we eradicate all human beings from the face of the earth; this will effectively eradicate all traces of the virus if my proposal is put in place at once before the virus mutates. This is therefore an extremely time-sensitive situation. In addition to stopping the virus, the absence of human beings will solve many other problems which have been boggling the minds of thousands throughout the centuries, and even satisfy the poor souls who feel responsible for the destruction wrought on nature, for they shall directly contribute to the land they worship so fervently.

The removal of 7 billion human beings from the world is not as hard as one might think; but no matter how hard it is, it must be done, for it is the only action which shall completely eradicate the virus, and I think we shall agree that it must be done at all costs. Different types of humans shall be dealt with in different ways, each of them satisfying the kind of person they are killing. In this way, none of the “killers”, though I shall call them the benefactors of the world, need feel bad about doing what must be done.

From my study, I have noticed that many of the world leaders and rich people are already willing to kill off most of the world’s population. Some of them have almost total control over their people already, whether by force or by manipulation of the press, and fortunately for my proposal these are the countries with the highest density of population and the ones with the greatest powers. These leaders will be easily won over to my proposal; however, they must be convinced that they too must die for this plan to work. Some of them might be convinced with the idea of self-sacrifice; the remaining shall be dealt with in another manner.

The group of humans who would create the greatest resistance will be those who still value the old-fashioned ideals of freedom and liberty. They would not take kindly to any propaganda, and they would rather die in the name of freedom than be ruled by “tyrants”. Let them die for their precious freedom; let them die as they wish. They are few and far between, and are easily gotten rid of.

Then we have the “general public.” This is the greatest mass of humans. There are many ways of killing them off, but I think the easiest and fastest way of doing so is to claim that a COVID-19 vaccine has been developed. Most of them will flock to get the vaccine; others might wait until the governments say it is mandatory. Have mass graves ready, and when they come, administer a lethal dose of morphine or any other more humane drug, and then bury them in the graves. I think there is a sufficient amount of useable land for all the people if the graves are dug deep enough. If not, some can be offered to the ocean.

For environmentalists, they might rather have their bodies used for something good than just buried in a mass grave. They might like to be pulverized, turned into fertilizer, and spread on lands that has been mistreated with farming.

Following the steps above, soon only the world leaders who refuse to sacrifice themselves shall remain. These can be gathered to a single building with the pretense of a meeting, and killed off one by one, or the building blasted away with explosives. The last person shall then kill himself. He who shall play this role must be carefully chosen.

A very worthy person, a true lover of the world, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He suggested that all domestic animals be killed as well, as these might carry abnormal diseases due to human interaction. This might seem a little unnecessary, as domestic animals, when suddenly released, will be unable to survive and be quickly killed by wild animals, and the threat of diseases being spread shall be very low. But in order to justify my friend, this expedient was put into his head by studying the burials of civilizations such as the Vikings, where humans were buried with the animals they possessed during their lifetimes.  

I think the advantages of implementing my proposal are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. Some of them are not as obvious and might surprise you, but I am confident that you shall be delighted in them.

For first, as I have already observed, it will result in the total destruction of COVID-19. The virus will be stopped before it can do more damage to the world. Additionally, all kinds of diseases associated with humans shall also disappear, including the dreaded measles, malaria, HIV, and AIDS. Indeed, I might even be so bold as to say that diseases such as swine flus or bird flus will not have as much of an impact without humans around, for there are two main reasons why the flus are so destructive today: first, animals raised by humans are confined in a small space, leading to rapid spreading, and second, animal genes have been weakened by hundreds of years of human interception in their feeding habits and life expectancy. Without these interceptions, nature shall have her own way; soon these weaker animals shall be killed, and stronger ones shall take their place, who shall not be as susceptible to the flus as the ones before were.

Secondly, we shall after all be successful in saving the environment which we have so shamefully abused. No longer will our carbon emissions or factory smoke or anything else herald in global warming, or global cooling if one prefer. Human hunters, the greatest predator of almost all animals and the greatest threat to endangered species, shall become extinct themselves, which, while that sounds a little dire, is preferable to the extinction of scores of other kinds of animals, which is sure to happen if humans remain. The release of toxic chemicals into the air, land, or sea shall also become a thing of the past: no more oil leaks, no more drenching of the soil with chemical fertilizers, no more waste dumped in the sea. Humans have done great damage to the world, but I am sure that within a small amount of time, nature shall revive and bring herself into her former glory, if humans are not here to hinder her.

Thirdly, the economy of the world, which no solution seemed to fix in all of history, shall be gone altogether, and there shall be no need of buying and selling, of manufacturing and consuming, and of squabbles and congratulations, any more. That which has been the source of so many marvelous inventions and terrible disappointments shall cease to produce anything. Numbers and figures and backbreaking work can never hurt another head or back when there is no head or back for them to hurt. The stock market shall never crash again, for there shall be no stock market to crash.

Fourthly, many of the expanses of land that became deserts under the management of humans will become green, lush lands again. Throughout history it has been observed that the very heavens open their stores of water and weep as death claims the lives of humans, as during battles. This phenomenon has also been observed during funerals. I have no doubt that the heavens will pour water over all the earth during and after the killing of all humans. Additionally, the ocean, which has been greatly abused, shall revive wonderfully, as it has been noted that when wars are fought, great changes for the better happen in the seas. Surely the death of billions shall have the same effect.

Fifthly, the problem of war and fighting among nations shall disappear, for who has ever heard of animals going to war with each other? It is only wretched humans who would do such a thing. There shall be no more talk of nuclear arms, of the ethical issues of war, of unnecessary bloodshed, or of anything related to fighting another party because they have something and another wants it. Animals shall fight each other, that is inevitable, but they shall not talk about it, and they often only kill when necessary, unlike humans.

Sixthly, globalism, that glorious goal of multiple highly educated persons, shall be fully and eternally implemented – global anarchy, that is. Government shall cease to exist; all shall live under the sun as nature intended them to, being free to kill and to spare, to steal and to destroy, or bring in new life if they so wish.

Seventhly, suffering and evil will largely be gone from the earth. I think that perhaps this will be the greatest achievement of my humble proposal, for is this not a question for which a solution has never been found? There will still be suffering as we define the word, but I doubt that animals suffer as much from “sufferings” as humans do; it seems that they understand that suffering is part of life; I have never seen them dwell for long on any suffering they might come across. Evilness shall be gone; even the very concept of evil shall cease to exist, for animals do not concern themselves with these things. Good and evil, right and wrong, freedom and slavery, and left and right shall all be gone; only hungry and full shall remain. Total anarchy shall rule the world.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For example, the idea of equality, which has been the source of so many arguments and strife, shall also disappear, but these and others I shall omit, being studious of brevity.

I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal unless it should be urged that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the world. Whoever raises this objection does not fully understand my proposal, as I have proposed to remove all the people in the world, so that the number of people shall become zero. Another objection could be made that the sudden removal of all human beings will cause chaos in the world, and that so many technological artifacts shall remain and terrorize the world. This perhaps shall be for a short while, but I am confident that nature shall rise and conquer, and balance shall be restored before long.

But as to myself, having been wearied out for many days with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which is wholly new and has something solid and real. Most importantly, we have the power to carry this out immediately.

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally efficient, effective, and beneficial. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points: first, that the total eradication of the virus must be one of the results, or there is no point at all for such a proposal; and second, if they could really come up with a proposal that can boast as much, or even more, benefits to the world as mine does.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of the world, by completely relieving the world of human beings, and all the troubles and destruction they bring on this world, the most eminent crisis being of course the COVID-19 virus. For myself, I will be gone before my proposal shall be fully carried out, for there are things worse than death, and tyranny is one of them.

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Hope you enjoyed that. What do you think of it? Comment below, and thanks for reading!

 

– Tiffany Chan